DEI Ruined My Career, Pt. 1

About a year ago I received a message from a past coworker. In short, the message was a loose, self-serving apology about how she and a number of other coworkers had conspired to ruin my career. I was a lead engineer at the time, and our team was working on one of the larger accounts at the company. She shamefully confronted her reasoning and mentioned it was because she felt like racial division that was driving conversations in the company were hindering our progress. This was after the killing of Alton Sterling and Philandro Castillo, 8 years ago this month.

She went on to say, she felt at the time that I should just “get over” the issue, and be more focused on my work. She recalled witnessing me navigate the brash conversations with coworkers, often using “Black people” and “you people” in incredibly racist ways, that were circling in the office as a poor excuse for the distractions that I had. She admitted to the resentment and distaste that she felt. She apologized. And then went on to invite me to “not respond” to her message. I didn’t.

This was a moment of validation. It was a moment recognizing people who are uncomfortable. Not necessarily uncomfortable with me, but with what I represent. It was a moment of sorrow and disgust.

I remember this time so vividly. With tensions that continued rising within the office, and the continuous avoidant behavior of my peers, I was not able to get my work done. I was being kept off of important meetings and being harassed over messenger about missing deadlines that I had not been briefed on. Needing a bit of reprieve, I had taken time away from the office to work from home. The tension in the space was just too much, it was affecting me mentally, emotionally and physically. At the time, I was also dealing with the height of an autoimmune condition that only seemed to get worse given the environment I was in. I was drained.

After a number of weeks, the issue had come to a head, and so I made one last plea with my manager. He felt an intervention was necessary, and so he called for a retrospective, a ritual in Agile to discuss progress and confront issues. In this meeting, he called in the team. We sat in a room that was dark and comfortable, however the energy was palpable. He kicked off the meeting as usual, addressing what did and didn’t go well on the project over that last number of weeks. As we began, it immediately began to spiral. He allowed the team to speak freely, addressing me as the issue, verbally attacking me and harassing me, calling me lazy and absent.

In a moment of overwhelment and pain, I lashed out. I yelled. I lost it. Every person in that meeting knew they were gaslighting me, my manager included, and I needed to confront it. It was not my brightest moment, but what else was I going to do?

After confronting the whole team, I asked for additional time from my manager and the other lead engineer. I continued to yell. I had done everything possible to make the situation better up until that moment; regularly meeting with my manager, asking for help to be briefed, calling out meetings I discovered on other team member’s calendars that I was not invited to, the whole lot, but I was still being pinned as the problem. I confronted my manager who I had been looping in on the issue from the beginning and called out his inaction. I had begged for empathy from my peer as I had expressed the same to him in his time of need; I thought we were friends enough for that. All in all, the meeting ended with him in tears, stating “I am not a racist.” I was baffled at the response. I got up and left.

Needless to say, in the coming weeks, I did not make the promotion I was up for. The sole response from leadership was “It appears Ash has some things she needs to work on” directed at my lost composure.

I went to HR. They listened. Nothing.

I quit.

I think back on that message from last year often. It is proof. It is the evidence I need to know that when people are grappling with the discomfort of racism, sexism, etc., they will do whatever it takes to remove the source of that discomfort, even the mere presence of it. This person validated this whole experience for me. Thank you. They helped me realize that DEI ruined my career. That it ousts people who could have a reasonable chance of success. It isolates people of difference by confronting people who are comfortable in their lack of progressive collaboration. It hits people dead in the face about their shortcomings, microaggressions, and biases. It makes it difficult to see people as any more than peers with different life experiences.

I have had many moments like these, and I continue to stand behind my statement. DEI ruined my career.

For anyone perceiving DEI as a problem, know that I see you. DEI, as much as you claim it is a system or problem, is being used to confront the fact that we as Black and brown people, LBGQIAA, Trans, Disabled, Women, Neurodivergent, Persons, etc. are here and are demanding fair, equal, equitable, and abundant treatment. What DEI has evolved to is not its intended purpose. It is now a response to our presence and confrontation of the consistent discrimination we experience everyday, and you hate it. Just say that.